As women most of us were given messages by our families that were appropriate to developing money skills. Most of us were told to save, to spend carefully, to work hard and to watch out for debt. These are in fact useful money habits but by themselves they are not enough to help women become truly skilled in their money lives. We must also look at the real world factors and the role of societal messages that impact women and their money.

What are the 3 biggest money mistakes that women make repeatedly?

They do not plan their money lives. By that I mean they are not taught to look at the big picture from a young age and see the whole in front of them. Women are generally encouraged to look at the details ("Watch the pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves"). The big picture determines whether we enter a high-paying field, how much student loan debt one can carry with that career, how we view advertising about fashion and beauty expenditures, learning to take appropriate investment risk and understanding the challenges of a longer life span.

They do not count. Women are socialized away from numbers and math beginning in middle school and taught that counting and figuring are boring and burdensome. Many families do not put young college women on a budget and do not insist that they plan and count the family money they receive. To begin to relate to money in the real world it must be counted, managed and looked after. This can be time consuming to start up when one has let it go for a period of time. But we have such wonderful technologies now with Quicken programs and internet online trading and brokerage sites that it has become within most people's skill range to do a good job with it. I wish I had learned that investing is fun and interesting before I heard about the Beardstown Ladies!!! And guess what ....it is more like a puzzle to be solved that it is a drag to be endured.

The third biggest mistake women make with money is to worry too much about being seen as a nice person who is ever nurturing and generous. Women give away too much of their money for unnecessary expenditures when often they cannot afford it. I remember sitting with a young woman as she cried over the amount of money she felt obligated to spend on a friend's wedding and bachelorette party when she could not afford it ....and the resulting credit card debt that became a burden to her. Women are afraid to confront the money question more directly as it
often creates an awkward and uncomfortable tension in the room. But there is no shame in saying that "I care about you and I have to do something more in line with my budget right now". The competition in women's groups is not about who is most successful as it is in men's groups..it is about who is the nicest, the most caring, the most generous.

Think about your own life and your learnings and see what of this applies to you and your own relationship with money. If changes are needed, notice that too. If you are on track, then congratulate yourself!!

In this article I use the term "women" to discuss the part of our population that was socialized with traditional feminine middle-class values. However this information may apply to men who were raised in this manner and may not apply to women who were raised in other cultures or with non-traditional socialization. So let me say at the outset that I realize I am making generalizations that do not apply across the board and may not apply to many women.....but you may be in relationship with someone who was raised in these traditions and that may be of use to you.

I will begin by sharing with you some of my own confusion as a woman raised in the 50's and 60's. Anyone raised in my era may realize that we were raised by a generation that grew up in the depression...and it is important to understand that piece of our bringing up. In my own life it has played out by parents' confusion : providing me with food, shelter and education was supposed to show their love and guarantee me a happy life. Even today parents get confused about what else is required of them in the parenting process. As I am able to see them within their own history I become much clearer about the messages they sent to me regarding what kinds of appreciation and affection I then owed them and how much sense it made to them. My father was clear to teach me that as a woman I needed to prepare to support myself financially and make a good career for myself. My mother was clear to teach me that as a woman the most wonderful thing that could happen to me would be to marry a generous man and have the freedom not to work. I doubt that my parents ever really discussed how and which messages they would send to their daughters about money and work and were not even conscious that they held few of the same opinions. Few of my female classmates were preparing for professional careers in the 60's, although many of them have come to that place later. At the time I was among a minority going on to graduate studies. As I married and became a parent, my conflicts about work and motherhood were quite intense and left me unhappy in both areas. It has been with much agonizing that I figured out how to work this through to satisfy both parts of myself.

Even now many enlightened parents never discuss with each other whether they are sending conflicting messages to their children on the issues of work and money. The most powerful messages are not always the ones that are verbally expressed but are more likely to come from our parent's living of their lives. If one of you spends and the other complains about the spending then, you have divided the money tasks in a way that promotes conflicts within the family. This sends a message to your children that one must choose whether to be a spender or a saver as opposed to showing that both spending and saving are important money tasks to be done with integrity and consciousness. This is a common family split in our culture. In general one member of a marriage is likely to be allocated a childlike, impulsive, spending role and the other is designated as the responsible, parental money planner. At times parents may agree to change roles but often they do not take the time to be sure that both parents are teaching and exhibiting all the major money tasks mentioned in the previous article.

Your journey to money maturity begins when you are finally able as an adult to step aside from your engagement with money and see both the emotive and the realistic sides to this commodity. For many years you have been affected by the messages received from your family, our culture and your own childhood experiences with money. Your journey to maturity does not really begin until you are able to see and articulate your money-learning backgound. Until then it will be difficult to separate yourself from your history and make choices that reflect your current values, emotions and reality with money.

Why is this so difficult? It is tempting to take only one aspect of money and cling to it, as if it were the whole story. Many of us only want to deal with one side of money and refuse to see the rest of the picture. Perhaps we are afraid it will be too confusing or we have been trained to look at one side and no other. Our culture has powerful messages that we can stereotype as typically "male" and "female" points of view regarding money. These points of view are reinforced in stories, advertisements, the media,our neighborhood gossip and what we have been taught to aspire to in our lives. We come into partnerships with mates and hope that our mate will carry the money task that we do not want to deal with : earning it, counting it, saving it, planning it's use, spending it , sharing it and leaving it behind. Secretly we hope to be able to do only the tasks that are familiar and comfortable for us....or perhaps to have nothing to do with any of it and avoid it as much as possible. It seems we are less likely to let ourselves know what our truth is about money and to discuss it openly and without embarassment . Some of us may only discuss it in the heat of an argument and never any other time...others may never mention it. Let's face it.....money is the new sex in terms of how we as individuals need to overcome the taboo of mentioning it, asking others about it and being honest with ourselves and interested in how we and our loved ones relate to this powerful symbol and commodity.

Ask yourself some important questions. Are you in trouble with money either in the spending or saving of it? Are you able to share your money when you need to show others you value them? Are you able to withold money when others are wasting it? Do you have your own ideas of what constitutes a good life and is worth spending your life's energy on ? Are you in serious confict with others about a money matter that seems unresolvable?

Amazingly , not enough people consider examining ther own issues with money in the therapists' office. "Surely this is at least one area where I can get it together on my own when.....(fill in the blank)". Most people think it is simply a matter of getting others to change or finally implementing whatever plan or dream is gathering dust within themselves. Except that when we do finally get down to the work together it turns out that this is a complicated topic with lots of different layers that do not coordinate beautifully with each other. Each layer holds a piece of what we need, want and remember in its own slice of history..like looking at geological eras in the side of an old canyon. What works to solve one need will create conflicts in another area and so forth. It is not easy to face all the pieces at once as the puzzle can become overwhelming.